I dream in lyrical form....

Your Ex-Lover is Dead

[Stars]

BAM! A headline like that hits you like a tonne of bricks. How does it really make you feel? 

It’s crazy to think of things like this but they are bound to happen eventually. It is hard to imagine how you’d feel when you lose a loved one because there are no rules for mourning, we each do it in a completely different way. There are no rights, there are no wrongs. What happens is lots of heartbreak and lots of emotional songs. 

Here is one that never fails to resonate with me. 

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said ‘yes I think we’ve met before’

Running into somebody you used to know is a strange feeling…do you say hi first? Do you wait for them to say something to you? We are all worried that people will forget us, is this any different? What if they don’t remember me? Then I’ll just look like an idiot. 

What I don’t understand is that people who share a part in each others lives can somehow end up being like nothing to each other. People move on, people move away, some mature, others don’t - but nothing? So you see the person and all these old feelings and emotions come flooding back. If it ended amicably then maybe you’ll be happy to see each other. If it didn’t end so well maybe you hope that you’ve both moved on and can see beyond it and still appreciate the presence of each other, even if only for a brief moment in time. You are both in the same place at the same time. You are both alive. Maybe it was meant to be? It could be a sign of things to occur. Maybe it was just a reminder of who you once were and to not forget how far you’ve come. 

The current age of technology makes it strange to realise how many of your friends actually know each other and not via you - facebook is a reminder of this because it shows your mutual friends. This could mean that the place you live in is too small or it could mean that well people are bound to meet, duh. 

It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn’t chose
I’ll write you a postcard
I’ll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love…

What I also fail to understand is how people gamble with time as if it were a game of russian roulette. We’re all here for a good time, not a long time. We never know when our time will be up. Why don’t we all just live everyday like it is our last, because for all we know, it could be. I see young people all the time drinking their lives away, I guess it’s a phase most of us need to go through but I wonder if they’ll ever grow out of it. 

I often find myself making deeper connections with people I only meet once than people I’ve known for years. Sometimes we keep friends for purely comfortable reasons, they’ve been there so long they just become like your favourite couch, a piece of furniture. Always around. You don’t know what you’d do without it, but if it was gone, you’d learn to sit on the ground or buy a new one. 

People that share some kind of love, kindness or understanding….and then it somehow gets lost. What happens? Will we be complete strangers in the future? Will we just send each other a generic annual happy birthday message on Facebook? Will we care where each other ends up? 

Part of me realises that I’d be curious to know where some of the people I knew have ended up, but there are other people who I can’t seem to care about. Probably because of scars in the past or because they never meant too much to me in the first place. 

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to say

Admitting your true feelings to someone can be one of the trickiest things to do. You may not want to out of fear that they don’t feel the same. In retrospect though, when you finally get over it, it can be fairly easy to say. Hopefully because you’ve moved on and realised that despite your insane teenage fantasies and lovey dovey poetry to your unrequited love, you actually didn’t like them as much as you thought you did. It’s part of growing up. However, if part of you still feels like you’re still in love with them, or a piece of your heart will always belong to them, then it may be harder to admit. Especially when they have moved on and have settled with someone else. You feel like you’ve missed your chance, that the bus has left the station. 

You admit to yourself that you tried and they didn’t reciprocate. What would happen if they came to you years later and said they wanted you now? Would you give them a chance? 

Don’t be sorry for the things you’ve done. Or the people you’ve met. Regret the things you didn’t do. The chances you didn’t take. If there’s nothing to say, well….maybe it’s meant to be that way. 

Now YOU are just [Somebody that I used to know]

{Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye feat. Kimbra}

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough

You know what sucks? Putting yourself on the line, your heart in the middle of a New York subway track and having it trampled unexpectedly. In theory, yeah you know it’s going to get crushed considering the circumstances, but you hope that it might just make a lucky escape….

You like someone, you REALLY like them and despite all the assholes you’ve met and dealt with in your life, you tell yourself that this time it’s going to be different. He appears to be a sweetheart, so you figure that he must be. 

You go out of your way to make his day. To make him smile when everyone else frustrates him. He decides he likes you, but maybe not “like that”. He’ll happily drag you along like a toy duck on a string and wheels. Is it intentional or not? How are you to know? Is everything else he said before just a lie? An exaggeration of the truth? 

How can someone who appears to light up your world suddenly not even be important enough to hold a conversation with? Did you ignore me out of fear? This part does not appear clear….

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I’d done
And I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go

I’m stuck here, so far away from you (physically and emotionally) and I’ve decided that I can’t keep replaying the situation over and over in my head…trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Typed messages fail to portray the emotion behind your words, or lack thereof. I can’t see which way you are looking, if it is at me, through me, or beyond me. The eyes are where the lies hide and if I can’t see your eyes I know nothing about the lies. 

I’m better than this, sitting in front of a computer waiting for the day I hear from you again…

I won’t forget you though. If you ever do have an explanation though, I’d still be interested to hear it. 

You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling…

{Hall & Oates}

I’ve noticed that a lot lately. People are starting to avoid me because they assume I’m just totally bitter. I have my reasons. I’m not a terrible person…if I can save other people from going through the same shit as I’ve been through, I’m happy to help - or at least attempt to shed some light on the situation. However, sometimes, the best way to learn is to do it yourself…because there is no lesson completely learnt until you’ve hit your head against the wall…right? 

I think back to different times on my life and where this certain bitterness may have been bred. I can probably list a handful of very serious situations that definitely attributed to this, but I only realise this in hindsight - and that’s the strange and wonderful thing about hindsight, you don’t realise until it’s too late. But you get up, you wipe the dust off your shoulders and you move on. Or at least you attempt to. 

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips
And there’s no tenderness like before in your finger tips
You’re trying hard not to show it (baby)
But baby, baby I know it
You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling                                            

I start to wonder when it is exactly that I began to lose that loving feeling…or if I ever really had it to begin with. My parents aren’t very affectionate, maybe that has something to do with it? What most people don’t know is that secretely I love affection, but I act like I don’t. I’m only human. We all love it and we all want it. No matter how much we put on a brave face or brag about our tough exteriors. 

I love a kiss and a hug as much as the next person. But it seems to happen so few and far between that I start to forget what it feels like. I even find myself craving it from people I don’t even like much in my attempt to feel something, anything. The problem with that is I just feel empty for stooping so low and I don’t even remember it as actually happening because I dislike myself for doing it. It can end up in a sick and twisted cycle. 

What happened to the young and innocent girl who believed that things like love at first sight were possible? Or to the girl who always imagined she’d get married and raise a beautiful family. 

Part of what happened is life. Human interaction. The low self esteem you harbour allows other people’s personal point of views to dominate your own. The people who psychologically mess with your mind. Who play with your bruised ego for fun. 

Bring back that lovin’ feeling ‘cause it’s gone gone gone…

And that’s what I’ll keep on doing for eternity, because somewhere underneath it all I’m still just the girl who is looking for her other half. Someone who listens to me and actually hears what I have to say. It’s harder than it sounds. 

Cooler Than Me

{Mike Posner}

you got designer shades,
just to hide your face and 
you wear them around like 
you’re cooler than me.
and you never say hey,
or remember my name.
its probably cuz, 
you think you’re cooler than me.

I am getting increasingly tired of people who think they are so much better than everyone else. No designer brand or amount of makeup is going to make you worth more than anyone else. I have “friends” and I use the term loosely because I just never believed that they were the kind I could talk to about anything. They only invite me to do something with them if they have absolutely nothing else left to do. What makes their time so much more important than mine? Does it kill you to check in on someone once in a while? 

Then there are those girls who just act all high and mighty for one of two reasons; either a) they have a boyfriend and feel “sorry” for you because you don’t OR b) are on the prowl and think that you might mess up their chances of picking up. I’ve had a bunch of friends who will seriously ignore me while they are trying to hunt down a man, as if it’s some kind of mission. Yeah mission ridiculous. If you are that shallow…then you might as well drown in your baby pool. Seriously. I don’t need the kind of friends who don’t want to be seen with me because of my appearance (or lack thereof according to them). 

Then there are those who won’t even say hi to you in public but salivate all over your facebook posts and photographs. Don’t ignore me because you think you are too cool. Don’t “keep” me as a friend just for number purposes. Quality over quantity. 

see I got you,
all figured out,
you need everyone’s eyes just to feel seen.

Those girls who go to a club and flip their hair constantly and look around the room scanning for attention from the guys. The girls who cry and whinge when they go home alone because it’s been an unsuccessful night. 

If you think you are cooler than me…keep doing so, eventually maybe someone else will think so too. Cool is a state of mind, not a lifestyle. 

DirtySouthD: 21 Habits of Happy People

Not In Love

Crystal Castles ft. Robert Smith

i saw your picture hangin’ on the back of my door 
won’t give you my heart 
no one lives there anymore 
and we were lovers 
now we can’t be friends 
fascination ends 
here we go again 

Have you ever had a crush on somebody but only dreamed about it? Looked at it from afar? Envisioned how things could be but never acted on it?

I wasted a couple of years of my life (and I’ve done it a few times) on a crush. Why? Because when I met him I got a feeling that I HAD to speak to him…I walked by a couple of times and eventually worked up the courage to say hi. But under the circumstances we both put our ‘best image’ forward and it stayed at that. 

He wasn’t even most people’s idea of beautiful - but there was something about him that made me want to know more…

Gorgeous green eyes. 

Via the equal parts beauty and curse that is the social network, I found him and asked if he remembered me. Originally, no but after a jolt of the memory he told me what we talked about. 

Because most of it happened online, it didn’t progress like other relationships do. Ridiculous and unfair to say the least, because while I would sit there pining for him - he was over “there” ploughing someone else. 

There was a girlfriend, it was on and off. But he would dump all of the crap on me. I was like the “part time friend” - never the good stuff only the bad. I’d always make him feel better. Tell him things would be okay. Listen to his problems and tell him they’d soon go away. 

Look at him on top of his little throne. Of course he gets the best of both worlds. The one in person and the other one who’ll just deal with all the shitty stuff that your gf doesn’t want to hear, for fear that she may leave your ass when she finds out what a true jerk you are. 

The story doesn’t end well. I fell. Not in love. But in lust. And I gave him something, it just wasn’t my heart. Part of me knew he didn’t deserve it, but the other part of me didn’t care. We’ll use each other equally, right? I’m totally aware. 

The problem is I’m not wired like that…no matter what I say it doesn’t make me feel better. And not only was I used, I was dragged into a whole lot of mess. No matter how nice I was the entire time, in the end I somehow turned out to be the “bad guy”. 

You blamed me for most of it because you weren’t man enough to deal with your issues. You were the one that was playing the game. You are manipulative. You like to brainwash people. You talk alot of smack. You could convince ANYONE of ANYTHING, except yourself. You need to take a serious look in the mirror to discover why it is you act the way you do? Do you get some kind of sick pleasure out of it? Where do you think you’ll end up after everything you put people through? 

So that’s it - after a couple of years we no longer speak. In retrospect, we were never really friends. We were just each looking to fill a void we had. What I realise now is that I think I had to use you in order to get you out of my system for good, otherwise I’d always be left wondering…

So the fascination has ended. I have the photographs and some memories but best of all I’ve come away with a lesson not to fall into your trap twice. 

Have a nice life. 

Long Distance

{Bruno Mars}

“With you is where I’d rather be….but we’re stuck where we are…It’s so hard, you’re so far, this long distance is killing me….”

I used to believe in fairy tales. In stories of romance. Falling in love. Until one day I became cynical (blame it on the broken heart)….

I’ve always been attracted to foreigners, but it’s more than just an accent thing (but that’s a major turn on). My parents moved from Europe to Australia and I guess I’ve always been more attracted to Europeans than Australians. I used to think long distance relationships would work….

Why not?

You go on a journey of self discovery in some far off land…and meet the man of your dreams. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted….or so you think. Your feelings are naturally heightened on vacation, everything is so new and beautiful and exciting. I guess you’re looking at this person through rose coloured glasses. Truth is the infatuation wears off. Once you both go home and don’t see each other, you start to forget. Out of sight. Out of mind. It’s sad but it’s mostly true. 

I guess one part of me still likes to believe it could be true. 

I found a few people on my last journey. Gorgeous. Funny. Beautiful. Fascinating. Sexy. But none of them were “you”. Whoever that is….

Big Jet Plane

(Angus & Julia Stone)

“gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane…”

This song meant a lot to me last year and still holds a lot of meaning for me. I like to choose theme songs and a soundtrack to match certain events in my life.

It has forever been my dream to live and study in the United States…and last year I finally lived it out after years of dreaming.

The song was released not too long before my big trip and when heard it on the radio for the first time, I knew I had found my new travelling theme song. :)

It’s pretty. It’s whimsical. It’s nostalgic. It’s everything I needed it to be.

From Los Angeles to Denver. Denver to Chicago. Chicago to Wilmington. Wilmington to Orlando and Miami. Orlando to New Orleans. New Orleans to Boston. Boston to New York. Back to Denver. Back to L.A. Back to Sydney my love

Love Song For No One

{John Mayer}

“Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof”

Well it’s become a regular occurrence for me. I stay home almost everyday. Mostly because I don’t want to spend money…but also because I miss travelling and I don’t like being back. So I punish myself by staying home. I think about things. I overthink things. I drive myself crazy. 

The lack thereof part is right. I’ve never really been in love. But I’ve been close…or at least I thought I was. I spend so much time replaying certain situations over and over in my head. Like why doesn’t he like me like “that?” Or why did I say that to him? The only thing this does is mess you up even more. I am a firm believer in that certain things happen for a reason. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not, let it go and start all over again. I’m sure the person you are infatuated with still sleeps fine at night. So don’t waste your nights losing sleep over someone who isn’t even worth it. 

I’ve always been the girl who dreams about her crushes. Looks upon the whole situation from afar, rather than getting my heart broken by getting involved. In the end, your heart still ends up a mess because you are feeling things that are only one sided…but if you try - maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised that they aren’t one sided. 

“I could’ve met you in a sandbox, I could’ve passed you on the sidewalk….could I have missed my chance and watched you walk away?”

Who knows? I haven’t had the chance to meet every person in the world and I never will - so how do you know? There might be 10 “somebody’s” out there for every person. 

I think we judge too much on face value. We are all shallow creatures. But we all have a different definition of beauty - which is handy - otherwise we’d all love the same people.